Looking for a nanny...for myself?

I am planning for my second baby’s arrival in March, and by planning I mean, in contrast to last time, I am trying to soften the shock of a new child for myself with what I know today. In theory I was well informed last time around, especially around the psychological complications that may occur in the hormonal shit storm that is postpartum. No amount of knowledge could have prepared me for what I experienced in practice.

I remember the post delivery magic-mushroom-like trip that ended with a scalding halt the moment we got home with our baby. For some reason I was very certain that we must stare at her at all times lest she forgets to breathe. I remember the panic of calculating how long it would take to go down 8 floors on the elevator and get her to the ER before it was too late.

That was the main concern- something would be too late. That I would neglectfully fall asleep and not hear her needing something, only now the too late was unthinkable. I could no longer afford to be too late. How does one go about living when the stakes are so unbearably high ALL THE TIME? Why do people voluntarily do this??

The physical discomfort paled in comparison to the mental and emotional exhaustion. I was a semi functional human who was a slave to the breast pump and was actually seeing the world cross eyed from sleep deprivation. Did you know that at certain hours and at certain levels of exhaustion it actually sounds like the pump is repeating a phrase? Sometimes a mere “moo”, other times more profound statements.

My husband and I decided we were going to to cushion my landing from pregnancy to postpartum in a more thoughtful way this time. In the absence of immediate family support, we started with the idea of hiring help; perhaps a nanny or au pair. As we skimmed through the semi sketch websites, a specific kind of nanny caught my eye- the Granny Nanny. Basically this is an older woman that would come from abroad and live with us. What actually was appealing to me was that it was a grandmother for rent for my kids and a mom for rent for me. In my imagination she was a well seasoned grandmother, a tough no bs talker who got stuff done and knew what she was doing without me needing to spell it out to her. The fantasy of her intuiting my needs was too sweet to pass up, so we looked further into it.

I then realized I was looking for a nanny for myself. This is embarassing.

And then I thought of the perinatal clients I see daily as therapist and how each one of those women has communicated in subtle and not so subtle ways that they were in need for someone to “mom” them. Someone who actually knows what they are doing. Someone to outsource a slice of their responsibilities and decision making to. Sometimes that person would be projected on to me as their therapist.

Ha. I am winging it like the rest you.

How do we navigate being the neediest yet most needed at the same time? Technically, baby and I will both be crying messes in diapers- this does not strike me as a moment for me to shine in all my maternal wisdom. Having support makes sense. At lease till one of us is out of diapers.